"Solitude..."

Ok, we've finally reached the long Raya holidays. But this year is unique. Not only am I not going back to Melaka (omg, i'm gonna miss all those rendang, ketupat!) but I am absolutely ALONE in Penang. Alone. Interesting. Raya is one of the occassions where we usually have our get-togethers, catching up on stories, gossips(!) and basically having fun. Can there be fun now that I am alone?? Maybe. It does get lonesome. But I am happy for once, in a long while, I have time to gather my thoughts and reflect on my life.

Much has happened in the years that I have been in Penang. A few of life's turning points happened during this time. Some happy, some sad. The one that had the most impact to me would be my father's passing in Nov 03. Although we could see it coming (he was diagnosed with cancer), we- I - stoicly refused to believe it. When it finally came, my sheltered life shattered. No more a boy. No where to hide. It was time to face life's harshest lessons. It was at this time that I was 'formally' introduced to Buddhism.



I remember receiving that fateful call on Sunday afternoon and rushing back to Melaka. We didn't sleep that night. There were other visitors in my home that I have not met before. My mother asked me to sit by the bedside. Everyone was chanting, "Amitofuo, Amitofuo, Amitofuo...". It is believed that sincere chanting of Amitofuo (or Amitabha) by a person at the moment of his death, would invoke one of the vows of the Buddha Amitabha, whence Amitabha would bring the person to the Land of Pure Bliss (something equivalent to a heaven), where one could be free to pursue enlightenment.

Such concepts were not familiar to me at that time but I chanted nonetheless. Early the next morning, my father breathed his last. The funeral was a 'Buddhist' funeral. I'm not an expert in such things, but we observed a vegetarian diet and so were the praying offerings as well. It was a simple yet beautiful funeral; no effigies were placed, only the yellow and red cloth and flowers. Sometimes when you see in the movies, they put the 'patung-patung' makes it look spooky, so I was glad it didn't turn out that way!



Such events force a person to look at things in a different way. It took another turning point 2 years later before my life was shaken upside down! It was April 05. I had been working for 2 years then. Boss (at that time) was telling me he'd submitted me for promotion. About time I say! I have been working my ass off for this project. Time to get what I deserve! They owe me man... I'm the man of the moment! Flattering talks had inflated my ego even more. When the names were announced, did I miss it? I didn't hear my name....

...

...

No... My name wasn't called...

...

How could it be? He promised!! My life came crashing down. It was so unfair! How could this happen? I am the best! I solved this problem! Me! Me!! ME!!! My anger simmered silently for 2 weeks. The manager did not even pick up the courage to tell me personally. Our eventual confrontation was devastating... He put up all sorts of words to placate and justify the situation. My ego was hurt. And the mind puts even more confusing and dark thoughts in my head. From a simple thing like promotion, it got worse. I often found myself idling in the office, going home early. At home, I just sat there. Staring at blank space. Inevitably, depression followed. By that time, I had lost all interest in the things I liked to do. There was only one thing on my mind... "why bother.... why try... after all, IT'S NO USE". Weeks turned into months and it got really bad. I was totally unmotivated to do ANYTHING. Really. Just felt like giving up.



Then, one of my close colleague left the office. Maybe it was the glowing words that was said about her during the farewell lunch. Maybe it was some divine help. I looked at her. I wanted to be like that. When I left office, I wanted people to shower me with praises too. And I wasn't going to get it whining all day! In that one instance, my mindset has changed. It's amazing to note how the mind affects our well-being. You *can* be sick just by thinking about it! The sun shone brighter than ever that day. And my spirits soared. I know what I have to do now! That promotion came the few months after that. The anger vanished almost instantly. And I now look back at it, amused how a simple event rids my heart of that heavy negative feeling. But there was one more lesson to be had till we reach today...

In the months and years to follow, I find myself trying to adopt a more positive outlook on life. Yet something was still missing. There is an emptiness that I cannot describe. It's like "what the heck am I doing with my life?? Am I supposed to just continue this life till it ends? What is my purpose?" This time, it didn't start with any significant event. One fine day I was just picking up this book. Buddhism for Dummies. Followed by Life of Buddha. And now I have the book, Awakening the Buddha Within. There are many things I still have not understood, but I have gained a wonderful treasure. I have taken the first step to learning Buddhism. The first step. The saying, "The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step"... now I *really* know what it means!



My frens, how much more negativity do we still want to project? Our journey here is like a flash of lightning. It will pass. With that realization, and a more focused purpose in life, I look forward to each day, each moment, with anticipation. The energy of the rising sun. The calm of the sunset. The soothing sound of sea waves. The peace of silence. I look forward to their beauty. Wake up. Go out. Open the window. See the break of dawn. It sets your spirits soaring. Breathe in. Feel the air flowing into your lungs. This is the wonder of life!

I want to share this beautiful feeling with you. It doesn't matter if you don't believe in Buddhism. It doesn't matter if your think your life is in shambles at the moment. Be mindful. Spread the joy of living. The joy of being one with the universe!