"Extremely Demotivated...."

It gets tiring, really, to have to pick yourself up again and again. Every time becomes harder than the last time. Despite a ray of hope yesterday, the day turns incredibly dark after the meeting. As usual, I fought and fought. And as usual, we were bashed down. It amazes me that for a person who has lived as long as he has, delusion clouds his mind as such, twisting his views, forming an ego that becomes as rooted as the oldest of trees. How does one still believe that he can be saved? Forgive me, for my own deluded views cause such angry words to rise. But isn't this the way of the universe? The rise of dark thoughts is a result of our own delusion, and attaching to them stirs our emotions. When you think of happy thoughts, you become happy. When you dwell on a past unhappy incident, you become unhappy.

At this point, I remember something thought-provoking that I read awhile back. Say you are captured and tortured by the enemy. All forms of unimaginable mechanics of torture equipments are applied to you. The pain becomes excruciating. If at this point, you think, "Curse you, why are you doing this to me?!", then you have not understood the teachings of Buddha. If you are thinking,"I hate you!", again you have not understood the teachings. Imagine if Jesus Christ, upon being crucified, said,"Oh, how I hate you for treating me like this!", then he would be no different than any lowly criminal. Curious, isn't it?

Life is suffering, isn't it? Don't we all wish that life was a bed of roses? Everyone would be nice to us, everyone would be considerate to us, no one would say nasty things to one another. But such expectations and idealism are also the roots of suffering! How I wish to say that I have learned more but this incident only serves to remind me that my understanding is shallow and the path to the end of suffering is not so easily accomplished!